Now for the bad news

Yesterday we had a follow up appointment with the fertility doctor to discuss the results of my blood tests and find out my AMH levels. She started listing off a bunch of hormones (some of which I have never even heard of) and told me they were all with in the average range which was good. She was even able to tell me what day I was at in my cycle when I had the blood drawn. All just by looking at the level of a particular hormone. I did a quick count in my head and she was spot on – Day 21. Oh science, you never cease to amaze me. All was going well.

Then came this news.

My AMH levels recorded low. Take a look at the graph below and you can see that for a woman of my age of (close to) 30, I should be between 15 – 50 pmol/L. The average being about about 25 pmol/L.

I’m all the way down at 5.4 pmol/L. Our doctor doesn’t know why my ovarian reserve is so low but unfortunately it is. What is worse, is there is nothing I can do to change it. A reading of 5.4 pmol/L is what would be expected of someone the age of 40.

I’m devastated. It took all of my control not to burst into tears in the doctors office. We knew that conceiving wasn’t going to be really easy and most likely take a little while but now I’m afraid of just how long and if at all. What if my ovarian reserve continues to rapidly deplete? I really thought this whole process was going to be exciting but now I feel a bit sick at the thought of only really having 2-3 years left to start a family.

As we left our appointment I could feel my chest tighten. I barely made it 2 metres out of the office building before tears starting to fill my eyes. I felt like a failure. I sort of held it together until we got home but I really needed to cry. You know, the serious type of crying. Or as I”ve come to know it – ugly face crying. Candice laid with me for a bit until I said I was going to sleep. As soon as she left the room I let my ugly face cry itself silly, I even threw in some loud sobs. Candice came back into the room about 10 minutes later and laid back down. I’m so glad she gave me those few minutes to really get it out.

Today I am trying hard to be positive and look on the bright side. At least I have found the one person that I want to actually start a family with. At least she is also ready right now and also wanting to start a family. At least I still HAVE some eggs, even if they are acting 10 years older than they are. I mean, it could be worse. My AMH levels could have been lower. I think the main thing I have to remind myself is that all it takes to get pregnant is ONE good egg. So I’m going to focus on that for the time being.

Before we left our doctor had given us the monitoring schedule for our donor inseminations. On Day 1 of my cycle (first day of period) I have to give her office a call and let them know I am starting a donor IUI cycle. “Oh hello there, just calling to let you know I’m totally bleeding from my vagina. Cool?”. Then on day 11, I need to have a blood test before 11am then wait further instructions after 1pm (??). The same thing happens on day 13, blood test and awaiting more instructions. I’m assuming these instructions may just be someone letting me know whether or not it looks like I’m going to ovulate. Ovulation is expected to happen around day 14 but could be day 15, depends what my blood tests indicate. That’s the day we do the donor insemination. Lastly, day 29 – either I get my period and start the process again from the beginning of my next cycle or I wait a further 2 days and take a pregnancy test. If by some miracle it’s positive then I’ll need to go in and have it confirmed through another blood test.

Day 1 of my first cycle is expected to start in 7 days. I’m nervous. Please people, can you do Candice and I a big favour and cross all your fingers, toes… and why not any other appendages that have the ability to cross?


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