Today, not tomorrow

I’ve been forgetting to live in the now. It feels like I am constantly looking forward, imagining what Oscar will be like in a few weeks, months, years. Forgetting that he is here today and that I’ll never have this time again. Growing at such a ridiculous rate, our boy will never be as small again as he is today. When I look at photos from the first few weeks of his life, I’m shocked at how much he has already changed. Today, at 9 weeks old he seems like more of a ‘person’ now, if that makes sense. He doesn’t just sleep, eat and poop anymore (though let’s be honest, he still does those 3 things a LOT), he likes to hang out. He doesn’t just stare blankly past us these days, he actively searches for our faces, our eyes. He flashes us that gummy smile when we ask him ‘What are you doooooing?’ He waves his hands in the air like he just don’t care. I need to remind myself that these moments are fleeting and that I need to be here, now. In no time at all, he will have changed all over again and I will be in mourning for these days. Everybody says it but babies really do grow up so quick.

It’s not just Oscar that has changed, I feel like I have too. I’ve found my confidence as a mother. And not only as a mother, as a person. I’ve never felt self-assured in my life. In the past I was constantly second guessing myself. Never sure if what I was doing was quite good enough, if other people thought is was good enough. I’m not really sure why I feel different now but I definitely do and it’s rather wonderful. I’d love to say that it was a conscious choice and the reason is because I want to set a great example for Oscar by showing him how confident his mummy is… but I don’t think that is it at all. Closer to the truth is that I just don’t care what other people think of me now. I really don’t. I actually get frustrated when I think of all the times that I have let myself feel incompetent or unworthy. The times I didn’t speak when I should have, out of fear of looking stupid. I’m 31 years old next month and it has taken me this long to realise it… But hi everyone, I’m actually awesome!

In other news, we have fallen into some sort of routine at night! For the last week Oscar feeds at around 11pm, wakes at 2am, 5am and then is usually up to start the day at around 7ish. I am so grateful to have these blocks of time back to actually get a decent sleep! Sometimes he even let’s us go back to sleep for an hour or so after his 7am feed but even if he doesn’t I don’t mind too much. He makes it okay by being so happy and smily in the mornings. Below are a few photos taken recently 🙂 IMG_1986 IMG_1985 IMG_1912-1 IMG_1924

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