Late night worries

Every time I go to bed, no matter how tired I am, I will usually be kept awake by my worries. Now that we have Oscar I feel like my worry-o-meter has sky rocketed. Before him, my concerns would generally be work related, finances, future plans and sometimes even the weather. I’m a useless worrier and it’s probably one thing about myself I would like to change.

Lately, what is keeping me awake is the eventual need to put Oscar into childcare. I return to work full-time in September and I already feel uneasy about having to leave him with someone else. Candice and I recently visited the centre that Oscar will most likely be attending and everything was fine, it’s a good centre. But i won’t be there and I get nervous thinking of how this might make Oscar feel.

Anxious, sad, confused, abandoned. These aren’t feelings that I want Oscar to suffer.

I’ve been told that it’s the first month or so that will be the hardest for him but that he will adjust. And in time he will actually enjoy going and childcare will simply be part of his routine and something he knows. This information is doing very little to comfort me right now though.

I have big concerns about him feeding as he still refuses a bottle and he often uses breastfeeding as a comfort tool. I plan to express breast milk for him to have at the centre but I’m so worried that he will refuse it out of a bottle and be hungry. My mother in law pointed out that when he gets hungry enough he will eat, which I know is true but my heart absolutely breaks, knowing that he could be starving and desperate before he finally eats.

We want to start trying the bottle at home a bit more to get him used to it. I adore breastfeeding him and don’t want to stop but if I can just get him used to taking milk from a bottle once a day then it would make me feel a lot less stressed about it all.

Whenever we go out to eat we always take Oscar with us but it’s becoming increasingly difficult. He is at an age where he wants to be mobile but isn’t capable yet so he demands to be held instead. He wants to grab everything in front of him and isn’t content to simply sit on our laps anymore. This makes eating so hard! For this reason we would like to start calling on Oscar’s grandparents to see if they would mind babysitting for a couple of hours here and there. Before we can do that though, we would need him to be able to drink from a bottle. Just in case he gets hungry the minute we leave him. He is very new to solids so we can’t really rely on that to fill him while we’re gone. We’ll be working on that over the next month. I can’t wait to be able to go on real dates again with Candice where we get to eat at the same time and have a proper conversation without Oscar’s fingers trying to dig into my mouth.

But back to childcare. The first few weeks are going to be horrible, for all of us, I expect. I doubt I’ll be able to concentrate on anything at work which is no good as I’m probably going to need to be retrained in several areas. I’m going to be reading the new lab methods and not be absorbing a single thing, I know it. I’ll be thinking about Oscar and his face as I left him with strangers. I’ll be worried that he hasn’t eaten or slept. If he feels scared. I’ll be seriously questioning if returning to work was worth it.

The thing is, I know that returning to work is overall the best thing for our family. Firstly, it’s best for us financially. Candice is doing superbly at supporting us at the moment but it isn’t fair. We would like to be able to pay extra on our mortgage, take holidays again, continue with our house renovations and a whole lot of other things that a second income would allow.

Secondly, I also know that once I get past the initial difficulty of being apart from Oscar, I will want to be working. I love my job and do miss it a lot some days. Plus being around adults again all day will surely improve my sanity.

Thirdly, it gives Oscar a chance to socialise with other babies. Both my sisters have said that their kids really thrived in childcare and were able to learn so much. There will be things I don’t want Oscar to learn from the other kids such as bad manners and behaviour but there will also be great things. He will make friends and if he is anything like my nieces and nephews, Oscar will be excited to return to ‘school’ as they call it after they have a few weeks off at home.

I need to stop worrying about this but it’s so hard when I look at him sleeping next to me, all small and helpless.

But I’ll try to.

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4 thoughts on “Late night worries

  1. Sending the baby to childcare is one of the hardest things that parents will have to do. I hope it’s ok to make a few suggestions. I worked in childcare for over 10 years, and what a lot of parents do (which i highly recommend) is a week before going back to work, take the baby in. 1st day spend a few hours with them in the classroom. I would say about a half day. Do this for the whole week, but take off like 30 minutes each day. The last day you stay and hour and let him stay the rest of the time alone and see how he does. That way you get to know the teachers, the class schedule, how he interacts with the staff and the other children. Most babies take about 2 weeks to get adjusted. Leaving your baby at daycare is FREAKING HARD, but believe me when I tell you, and i see it all the time, that parents cry more than the kids do. We get what’s happening, they sorta do. But they adjust very quickly, and before you know it, you’ll be in a new routine and he’ll be crying because he doesnt want to go home! Hope you start to feel better about a good decision…

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  2. I understand this worry so much – I lived it not too long ago! It break my heart for many, many months to drop my baby off at daycare. She cried every day for at least a month, which only added to the guilt. But then – THEN – she began squirming with excitement when we would walk through the doors of the daycare. She got excited to see her teachers and friends. And now, after a year of being in daycare, I can honestly, truly say it is the BEST thing for her right now. She learns so much and has so much fun!

    It will break your heart. It will be so, so hard. But it will all be okay. I promise.

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  3. I don’t know if it would make sense at this point, but maybe he would take a sippy cup instead of a bottle? We have struggled with the bottle as well, and are about to give the sippy cup a try (from my research, klean kanteen makes the best one in terms of lack of plastics and spill issues).
    Also, feeling all the same feels about daycare. ❤

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  4. I don’t know if you’ve tried it, but you may want to try having Candice give him the bottle while you’re not home. It’s more rare for them to take a bottle from you, the breastfeeding mom because they know you are the source.

    On a side note, I absolutely love following your story. My girlfriend’s name is Candice and we plan to have kids together. I have loved reading your story about getting pregnant!

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