So what next?

We’re pretty much back into the normal swing of things around here and it feels strange and sad. Working. Parenting. Existing.

It’s a weird feeling to be here right now. In the time leading up to last months embryo transfer, everyday life felt different. There were nerves and excitement. We were making plans. It felt like we had an end game, we were heading in some kind of direction.Β And now we’re not.

A few days ago, we briefly spoke about when the right time might be to start another cycle but no decisions were actually made. It feels odd to not have a plan, not in a ‘I feel free’ kind of way but in a ‘I feel lost’ kind of way. Candice seems fine with not having any plans which makes sense as she already has so much on her plate. I can feel distance between us but with the way our life is structured at the moment (my work schedule, parenting Oscar, busy weekends) I’m not sure what we can do. So we’re just shuffling along, one foot in front of the other.

Oscar has been cute as always. His vocabulary continues to explode and his tiny sentences are getting longer and more frequent. He understands so much and it’s making our day to day lives easier. If I say we’re going to the park or for a walk, he says “I need my toots, Mummy” and will run and find his gumboots. He’s also become really familiar with emotions and recognises them in himself and in others.

One thing that we do find a struggle is convincing him that it is time for bed. He has no problem staying asleep once he drifts off and will deeply sleep right through until morning but that initial stage of getting him to stay in bed is long and painful. Candice has had enough and I think she has reached breaking point this week because she has to deal with it on her own due to me being at work. I’m talking 2+ hours of laying with him in the room, coaxing him to sleep. It hasn’t always been this way, for a while there is was taking closer to 30 mins. I’m not sure what but something has changed. Perhaps his daytime naps need to be shorter as at the moment he averages about a 2 hour midday stretch which is quite a long time. Now that he is able to understand us when we speak to him we are going to start leaving the bedroom lamp on and leaving the room for short periods of time. It will need to be a strict bedtime routine and will likely be – dinner, bath time, book, explaining that it is bed time, saying goodnight. Once he’s in bed, we’ll kiss him goodnight and tell him that we are going out now and will back in 5 minutes to check on him and that he needs to close his eyes and go to sleep. We 100% expect tantrums but at his age we know that he understands us and we’ll let him ease into this next phase. He’s so good at fake crying that if you hear it from another room, you would swear it was sincere. But the jokes on you, buddy. Just because you pull that whiny face and make the crying sound, you can’t force actual tears no matter how hard I see you try. Don’t worry, as soon as you do manage to squeeze out one tiny teardrop, I’ll be there to wipe it away in a heartbeat. We’re not thinking of this as a cry it out situation but more of a communication/negotiation situation. There will be no actual tears (I hope) and no lights out. There will be soft lamp light to begin with and eventually a dimmer nightlight. If it all fails, then we go back to laying with him until he falls asleep and try this again in 6 months when he is able to communicate even better. I have faith in him though, I think he’s a clever little kid.

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