This is just a cut and paste job from Instagram because my energy levels are so low at the moment. It’s not a very positive read but I figure it’s worth putting out there in case it helps someone else going through the same thing feel less alone.
To say I’m struggling lately is a massive understatement. My anxiety seems to have reached its peak and I’m having trouble maintaining a sense of calm as I get closer to delivery. I keep experiencing this strong feeling that something is going to go wrong before this baby is born. It’s completely irrational as we’re in a really good position, baby is a good size and all the statistics are in our favour.
I think being on bedrest for most of the day over the last few months is really taking its toll. There’s too much time to think, to overthink. I don’t even realise how long I’ve been staring at a wall for until I glance at the clock and see an hour has passed. My life has become all about compression socks, constantly sipping on water, checking my blood sugars, taking my temperature, trying not to over analyse every little pain, counting fetal movements and worrying that they are becoming less frequent. I’m basically trying to sleep the days away so I don’t become overwhelmed by my thoughts.
I want this to be over now and I feel so guilty for that as I know each and every day that I stay pregnant is a good thing. I just can’t handle how slow the days pass. I can’t concentrate on reading to actually make progress on a book anymore and while the tv is often on in the background, I’m not actually taking any of it in. The stress of constantly worrying about what could go wrong is starting to consume me. Everything hurts, all my joints ache from being in bed but I can’t move around too much as even half an hour of being on my feet causes too much fluid loss and with the levels declining, I need to be really careful about that.
I hesitated in writing this post as I don’t want to upset people by having them think me ungrateful. I’m truely so happy to have made it this far and I remind myself daily how lucky I am to not have lost this baby. I remind myself that it’s almost over, it’ll be worth it, I’ll look back and this time will be nothing but a distant memory.
But right here and right now, I have to be honest. This is hard. This is isolating. And this is fucking lonely.